A Feast Fit for a King
By IGN: Adjudicator
This is a story of how King Adju fed his people.
“Troops, gather around! We need to discuss the most important matter in our Kingdom ever if we are going to get more of those precious gems from the great Giver in the Sky,” King Adju commanded.
“Yes sir!” they all stoutly replied.
“We are going to discuss… ‘How we eat our bread and food’!” King Adju said, to murmurs from around the room. “You, sir Knight, how do you and your fellow knights eat your bread and food? Fork and knife?”
The Knight clasped his hands, sunk his eyes to think a moment, then boldly replied, “Well, with all due respect, Your Highness, we eat our bread… blazing fast!” The knights burst into hearty laughter with guffaws and bellows. Many knights clanked their beer steins with each other to the chagrin of King Adju.
King Adju tipped his head down in frustration for moment, composed himself, and cleared his throat. He then commanded, “ Silence!" The whole room stilled. He corrected himself, saying, “That’s not what I meant! How do you eat your food! Explain the how! Plates, spoons, bowls! Tell me how!”
King Adju turned to his archers and asked the same question, “How do you archers eat your bread and food?”
The archers looked at each other with sly eyes, and they replied, “Well, if the food is really cold while we’re eating it and chills us to the bone, we quiver!” The horde of archers snickered and chortled and laughed under their breath, mischief filling their eyes.
“ENOUGH!!!” snarled King Adju. The whole room stilled. He continued, “I need to know how, not what happens while you’re eating, but how you eat!”
“Paladins!” King Adju commanded. “Answer me seriously, or else! How do you eat your food! No funny business!”
The paladins, cool and collected, conferred briefly with each other then offered their response: “Sir, we don’t eat much. We drink a lot until we’re hammered! Sorry for being so… blunt.” They then burst into a howling cacophony of laughter, leaning forward and slamming their hands and hammers on the Round Table in the joy of their self-satisfaction.
“Ugh,” replied King Adju. The laughter subsided. “I don’t care what you drink, I need to know how you eat!”
He turned to his band of ogres, muttering under his breath, “These dim-witted creatures surely cannot reply crudely.” Then he said, “Ogres, how do you eat your food?”
“Master,” the ogres respectfully said, “We are animals… party animals, that is! We only eat when we go out clubbing!” All the ogres snickered and sent booming high fives through the air. A few pointed at their clubs, saying in a mocking way, “Get it? Clubs? Clubbing? The partying thing at bars and clubs? Bwahahahahah!”
Increasingly irate, King Adju summoned a Hammerstrike at the reveling ogres to quiet them, knocking them out immediately. The whole room stood in shocked silence.
“If anyone else dare say something to mock me, I will firestorm you all to a crisp!” shouted King Adju. He turned to his pack of Werewolves, glaring at them briefly. He said to the Werewolf Captain, “Carefully answer my question. Say nothing but how—HOW—you eat your food. I don’t want to hear a peep out of you! Not a sound, until you can answer my question!”
The werewolves looked at each other, silent as a bug. A few shrugged, then they all bowed and approached the king. The Werewolf Captain, decorated with medals of valor, separated himself from the pack, drew nearer to the king, and kissed the king’s ring in respect for having approached the throne. The whole room watched, realizing that the wolves had no joke and were about to sever the long litany of puns and snide replies. The knights and archers and paladins all leaned forward in eager anticipation for the wolf’s reply. Following the ring kiss the Werewolf Captain stood up straight, stared King Adju in the eye, and said softly, “Like this…”
And in one fluid motion, he lurched over, spread his arms out, howled sharply , then stunningly devoured King Adju whole in one swallow! The King was gone in an instant! Gasps filled the room. The Werewolf Captain licked his lips and wiped them clean using a piece of King Adju’s cape that dangled out of his mouth—and swallowed it, too.
He let out a little burp then turned around and walked out of the chambers. He looked back as he reached the door and said, “In one bite. That’s howl we do it.”
Everyone in attendance died a little after hearing that pun.
And that is the story of how King Adju fed his people.