I’m going to write some complaints about the upcoming Special War Season changes here so you don’t have to!
- Flare, you make things way too overpowered! You need to nerf the mummies and wolf and ogre and gargs and archers, arbs, mortars, towers, king, king’s shoes, king’s face, path, and my mother’s constant yelling. The new boosts are way too strong. And while you’re at it please nerf Obama and ISIS and Santa Claus and Russia and that one guy Nerfidy Nerf O’Nerfherder.
- Flare, too many skulls in war! Reduce war to 1 skull. Whoever gets the first skull wins! That way, no one has to grind, and we can go back to being nerds with pocket protectors and dweeb haircuts and talk about how cute Emma Watson would look with thick-rimmed nerd glasses. Now where did my protractor go?
- Flare, you are just making this game pay to win. You should make it PAY TO LOSE! Everyone who pays for gems should get a temporary 90% nerf to all their king powers, and have all their spells backfire and kill their raiding troops instantly. Think of the lulz when that happens! And then the king can only advance by typing “Flare rules!” over and over again in a secret text box underneath the scrolls.
- Flare, you are being greedy. Scrolls shouldn’t be needed to beat a base. The new boosts are way too insane! Give us the ATOMIC BOMB SCROLL that requires zero gems! Make it so it not only blows up everything at once, but disables a person’s account for the next hour! And during that hour, other players can just walk into that destroyed kingdom and steal their towers and armor and buildings and chickens.
- Flare, everyone is beating my tricked-out base: Save me! It’s time to employ the Base Shield. If a player attempts to attack a base with a Base Shield, his king gets knocked down 10 levels permanently and he loses the ability to raid with everything but Toxic Fart Cloud for the next 24 hours.
- Flare, you smell like onion rings. (For those of you who think we haven’t insulted Flare enough.)
- Flare, this game is boring! You need to include NBA games and FIFA matches and Dancing With the Stars content to make this worthwhile. I want my King to look like Cristiano Ronaldo! Simon Cowell should be a commentator on all my raids. Angela Merkel should sign peace treaties between alliances. C’mon!
- Flare, you don’t support Windows users! I think you misunderstand: It’s not that Windows users want free food in the game so we can win the Special War Season. We want free food in real life. Sandwiches, hamburgers, potato wedges, chicken cordon bleu, wienerschnitzel! Yeah, give me some of that famous German cooking! Ship the bratwurst! Deliver the sauerkraut! FORK OVER THE APFELSTRUDEL! And don’t be stingy like you are with your gems!
Feel free to share this post whenever someone complains, saying it’s already been covered.
And Flare: Thanks for making a supremely fun game. It’s not perfect, but thanks for always adding new content for us to explore! Don’t take any of this too seriously, and just keep developing this fun game.